Organ Donor--Ciaran Martin/Ciaran's Gift

Organ Donor Ciaran Martin passed away on January 5, 2014 after being hit by a car.

Below is a letter written by his mother, Jacquie

Ciaran's Gift
The shock...
of being told that I will never see, touch, smell, hear or hold you again.
The fear...
of living without you.
The grief...
that overtakes my heart, my mind, my soul, my spirit and my body.
The reality...
that you are not just gone, that you are dead!
The regret...
that we never made it to that meditation retreat or learned yoga together, like I promised.
You died too soon.
Your passion...
when we argued, you refused to concede because in truth? You were usually right, but in parenting, my job was to guide you and I did...the best way I knew how and I wouldn't change a thing. 
Your love...
in EVERYTHING...
the world, the universe, the creatures, mankind...every shape colour and size (you could never understand why others at times had differing/negative views)
Your art and drawing...
which literally took my breath away. 
Your love and talent with music and drums...
which left myself and many speechless so often. You made music with everything.
(Spoons, cups, boxes, dashboards, chairs etc)
Then there is the emptiness...
The emptiness that is left after I carried you inside of me for 9 months, gave birth to you, watched you learn to walk, to talk, to build with your mind and your fingers. We shared digging in the dirt for creatures and saving worms, like when I was your age. 
Then the glee...
in watching you learn to live and love the wonder of life, all the while knowing that I created you and could share in that again and again and again .... Always... 
NEVER AGAIN!
The anger...
that you were on that road that day and 
the rage...
that the driver was there at that same time.
The guilt...
Of not being there to save you.
The abandonment...
of being left, left to carry on your dreams, your hopes and your desires, even some of your friendships... Because you're gone and the sheer 
HONOUR...
of being left to do these things because you can't.
The joy...
in feeling your hugs and watching your eyes meet mine in your delight, as I finally understood a quantum physics theory, you had explained to me for oh so long.
The shared passion of road trips... 
You, Climbing into the passenger seat, iPhone in one hand aux cord in the other, Abby in your lap knowing that I would be your sole audience for the duration, knowing in my heart that our hearts connected. 
The disappointment...
when I'm in the dairy aisle and I know I don't need cheese.
The heartbreak...
when I see a scruffy, but content in his own skin (maybe 16 yr old) boy, with long hair and a toque and I want to run to him, to wrap my arms around him and then STOP!
The brokenness...
once again when I learn (almost immediately that it isn't you)
The pride...when I think of those people living everyday with parts of you inside of them. Their gift from you, a stranger to them. 
They're breathing, discovering, learning, loving and living because you gave, you gave so valiantly of yourself and you were always so humble, you didn't even know the power of that decision...
because your recipients' so graciously accepted your gift and nurtured it and loved it ...now your gift to them has become my gift from you and them. I'm both honoured...
and thankful...knowing that someone is still loving you, nurturing you and cradling you, just as I did. And whether they have that gift for a short time (as I had you) or a long time... The gift is no less precious or valuable, as you'll never be any less, because I only had you for 16 years. You're a giver my boy, my giver and I will live in awe of you, in memory of you, in love with everything about you, and will continue to be every minute of every day for the rest of my life. My boy, my lament, my hero, my love.
Love, Mama xo

Handsome young man, taken much too soon, gave the gift of life.

**PHOTOS AND LETTER USED WITH PERMISSION**