The above title takes on a whole new meaning for someone like me. Someone who received their transplant young and is searching for their Mr. (or Mrs.) Right.
During the first couple of years post transplant, I wasn't interested in boys. Shocker, I know, but those drugs caused me to be hormonally turned off at first. Besides, high school wasn't a fun time for me anyway and I was always behind compared to my peers. College? I went to a community college so I just went to class, came home, and that was it.
It wasn't until I was in my mid-20s that I realized, "Holy crap! Everyone I know is getting married! When did this happen?!" and felt like I needed to catch up with them in the game of "life."
I'm now nearly 31 years old (in just a little over 12 hours it'll be official) and I'm still looking for my Mr. Right. I've tried various dating websites (eharmony, christiancafe, match, catholic.com, etc.) with slim success. Soon after a few online messages (either via my big mouth or their own searching on me) said guy finds out about my transplant and then woosh!.....I never hear from him again.
Since 2002, I've been involved with the U.S. Transplant Games and made some incredible friends along the way. Up until that point, I thought it was just me who was having trouble finding a guy. Nope! Turns out, there are a lot of female recipients (and males too, I'm sure but it's only the girls I've talked to about this) who are also getting discouraged. Either they're like me (still at the starting gate) or they start dating someone and said person breaks up with them and usually, it's because they can't the medical baggage that we recipients come with. It was such a relief when I learned I wasn't the only one going through this.
During this past summer's U.S. Transplant Games, I was sitting and talking with my team's (Team Florida) assistant manager, Denise, and she was talking about how her relationship with her husband changed during her transplant. Alex went from being her lover and protector to being her nurse, care taker, etc. She said that it was hard for her to see him enter these new roles but he handled it like a pro and stood by her side....in sickness and in health.
I know that the saying goes Good things come to those who wait but.....could you please speed it up God?
Kim, great post! I hear alot of patients have this problem. I am a 18 year liver tx patient myself and I am not married myself. I find it that is my pickiness issue and not my transplant that keeps me from finding a mate. Have you ever thought about how you tell them about your transplant? It is not uncommon for my tranplant to come up in conversation on the 1st or 2nd date, but in the past 12 years or so I have not seen it effect my relationships at all. When I learned that my transplant did not define me then it seemed to stop defining me in other's eyes as well. So, when it comes up in conversation (usually the drinking question) I just tell them that I am a liver tx patient. I tell them a few details about it and how I have a normal life in spite of my transplant. I open up the door for them to ask me questions and I am very, very open. It seems to make them feel pretty safe and the more questions they ask the more ok with it they feel. I find that I worry more about the burden I put on men vs them feeling I am a burden. Honestly, I have found that real men find the story to be sexy and something admirable. Funny, it has come up in conversations on nights that I have actually met men that I ended up dating and they used the topic of my transplant to hit on me.
ReplyDeleteI know that I went on and on for too long; I apologize. I hope this helps. Obviously, I am on FB as your friend and feel free to contact me if you would like to talk further. In the meantime, see my blog for RockScar Love on blogspot.com
I love this post Kim! It is really tough and scary to find someone after transplant! I often feel like no man would ever want to deal with my health issues, Heck! I don't even want to deal with my health issues but I think it will happen. I am hoping to find someone who isn't totally freaked out by the fact that I had a heart/lung transplant and can see past that! Thanks for posting about this subject!
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome Tara! :-)
ReplyDelete